He did it!

Holy Toleedo! Yes, Brad gave his first injection... and didn't faint! I'm so proud of him. He had to hold onto the stove for a few seconds afterwards but didn't turn completely pale, only a little pale. Lol.

Hey, I said I would update. ;)

Update 1/26/2011

So, today is cycle day 4. Yesterday began my 1st day of clomid. Fortunately, I've never really had any side effects from clomid (at least I don't think so.) Brad might tell you I'm more sensitive and more moody but I think he's making things up. Yesterday I also went on a wild goose chase to get some bloodwork done. Apparently Dr. Andrew is not listed as a provider with Timpanogos Hospital so after going there first, I ended up having to drive back towards Springville to Labcorp. Either way, I'm glad to know where I need to go in the future.

I was pretty impressed with the fact that I got a call today straight from Dr. Andrew with the results from yesterdays bloodwork. I was also pretty dang excited that my numbers were much better than May 2010. For my own records (since most of this might be jibberish) they were:

FSH - 8.7 (Normal levels should be below 9)
LH - 18.7 (Normal levels are under 7, this is where my PCOS was diagnosed.)
Prolactin - 6.3 (Normal levels are under 24)
E2 - 33.8 (Normal levels are 25-75, lower levels indicating a better response to injects)
TSH - 1.33 (Normal is around 1.7)

I cannot tell you what a relief it was to get these numbers. I need to quit assuming the worse. After hearing these results I've had this feeling that things are really, really good and that this cycle might actually work! I need to remain more positive and things like this definitely help put me in a better place emotionally.

Tomorrow, day 5 and Thursday, day 7 I will be starting my injections. 150iu's of Bravelle each day. On day 10 they will do an ultrasound to see how big my follicles are. I've really only ever had two mature follicles with injections so I'm hoping my protocol this cycle will give me at least three mature follicles, even if it requires an extra day of injections, I'm game! I think I may also have Brad convinced to give me the injections rather than do them myself. Brad is OOBER sensitive when it comes to needles and is afraid of passing out but I think he wants to be a little more involved in the process so he said he'll give it a try. I will definitely update on that!

I'll be back at least on day 10 to update everyone with my follie results. I'm getting soooo excited! Could we really bring a baby home in October? Please god, say YES!

Birth Control?

So, December 31st we had our appointment with our new doctor, Dr. Andrew. Originally, our appointment wasn't until the 3rd of January but since Brad had the 31st off for work I called to see if they could see us. I was surprised to find out they wanted us to come in even though their offices were closed that day as well. I've been to these appointments before but this was Brad's first time being able to come to a consultation appointment. Everything went great and Brad and I both really liked the new doctor. I wasn't surprised that he suggested IVF for us originally. With my high FSH levels it seems to be the normal response for our situation. However, we explained what we wanted and without hesitation, he agreed. If we hadn't previously been able to get pregnant through ICI I would think more seriously about moving forward with IVF. I also think Dr. Andrew's original response of IVF was short lived after I had an ultrasound done. He told me had only anticipated seeing very few follicles but he was glad to see I had about 7-8 antral follicles and that he believed moving forward with IUI's was a great decision.

The ultrasound: I was very impressed! I have never had anyone do such a thorough ultrasound. Never has anyone told me that my left ovary is a little out of place. He also thought I might have some endo or possibly some scar tissue leftover from my D&C in 2009. Again, nobody has ever mentioned this and believe me, I've had a few ultrasounds in my days. My main concern was that my uterine lining had recovered from it's clomid abuse. I was thrilled to find out my lining on cycle day 7 was 6mm.

The protocol: After doing some blood work, Dr. Andrew's assistant called me and told me he wanted me back on Metformin because my Glucose levels were high. Although I get used to Metformin, I still hate it! He also wanted to me to go on birth control for a few weeks. BIRTH CONTROL? What? For a second I had to remember where I was. Apparently, using birth control in the cycle before your active IUI cycle can help level out your hormones and hopefully produce some better quality eggs. I was extremely hesitant but after doing some research I had to swallow my pride and just do it, afterall, isn't that what we're paying this guy for? To lead us in the right direction? Luckily, the birth control goes away in another 5 days which marks cycle day 24. Thank goodness! I hate how they make me feel. Between Metformin and birth control, I'm surprised I haven't killed anyone yet. After stopping those, we wait. Wait for my monthly friend to arrive. From there, the fun begins:

CD 3: Ultrasound and bloodwork
CD 3-7: 50mg Clomid
CD 5 & 7: 150iu Bravelle Injection
CD 10: Ultrasound Follicle Check

After that I'll either have to take more injections or just wait for the HCG Trigger and IUI. One thing I've mentioned in a previous post is that this new office does an ultrasound the day of the IUI to check and make sure you haven't ovulated already which I'm really excited for.

Other than being in limbo land with trying to get pregnant, we've been fairly occupied with friends and family. My dad has been in town since before Christmas and we've enjoyed spending time with him. Last week my uncle and aunt and cousins were in Utah so we were able to enjoy dinner with them last Saturday. Unfortunately, not nearly enough time. My aunt and uncle are coming back this weekend for an elk hunt so we'll get to see them again. We're hoping to take my aunt to Bingo at the Elk's next Thursday.

Keep your peepers open for updates hopefully coming soon!

Dear Santa

I read this today on one of my favorite websites and I thought it was hilarious. Most things that ring true usually are pretty funny though, right?

http://www.999reasonstolaugh.com/2010/12/692-dear-fertility-santa/#more-1183

I hope everyone is enjoying their holidays! I can't say I've been in a wonderful Christmas mood but I'm getting there. (Good thing since Christmas is in 3 days!) Brad and I have been finishing up some last minute shopping but we are ready to spend time with our families.

Brad was extremely bored Monday night and I came outside to a cute little Hall family display out of snow. He built a snowman for each of us, even Dog. I have to say, Dog was my favorite. She has raccoon eyes in real life and in snowman life.

The night he built these we woke up to almost 2 feet of snow the next morning. The snowmen turned into snow blobs overnight. Last night, it rained. We don't know how long the little dog snowman will live. Lol.

In my infertile world, I'm looking forward to my appointment with Dr. Andrew on January 3rd. I hope that excitement stays there and that with more testing we won't get any more bad news. We are ready to be parents, we are ready to be over this struggle with infertility.

One year ago

One year ago today I was at home, laying on my couch, feeling absolutely hopeless. I had found out two days before that the baby I had carried for over 10 weeks, no longer had a heartbeat. As any woman would be, I was heartbroken. I wanted my D&C right away. I figured the quicker I could have everything removed, the quicker I would heal. I was terrified that I was going to even have to wait two days for the procedure. So on October 28, 2009 I had the surgery. My doctor was able to squeeze me in if we could be at the hospital by 6:00 am. You can tell how eager I was because I don't usually wake up at 6:00 am for anything! When we got the hospital, I was scared, I was in pain from the dilation meds from the night before and an emotional wreck. I was grateful for whatever it is they gave me right before sending me in to the operating room because I think I finally laughed, I finally didn't care about anything. I wish they could've send me home with this wonder drug as well.

I still cannot believe it's been a year. I wasn't in any rush to get pregnant again but I also didn't think I'd be sitting here a year later, without a baby or without even being pregnant. But even still, in my heart, I know I will be a mom someday and all of this sadness and everything we went through to have a baby will make it that much more special for us.

The best part is, a year ago today, I was sad and I was hopeless and I never thought I'd make it through the nightmare I was in, but I did. No matter what the situation is, it does get easier and if you can put your faith in higher beings I do believe the road to recovery might seem a little less rocky and a lot more paved. Here I am today, with high hopes and just feeling happy that I did make it through my experience of losing a baby. Don't get me wrong, I have bad days. I have days I just want to be mad about it but in the end I just have to continue looking forward to the future, whatever it may bring.

Lovin' my angel today, and always!

Blessed

That's just how I'm feeling! BLESSED!

I have my health, I have a home, a husband who loves and provides for me, a great family, a great job that I love and so many people around me that do random things to help and support me just because...

Even though infertility sucks, life is still good.

It feels good to have days where I'm not overwhelmingly consumed with thoughts of getting pregnant.

I saw this quote on another ladies blog today, thought it was excellent:

"Some people have a baby without trying, others have trying without the baby."

Is it 2011 yet?

Today I finally made an appointment with a new RE. (http://www.utahinfertility.com/). Not because I didn't like the old place because they were extremely friendly but a few months back I found another RE in Utah County that is quite a bit cheaper. We're talking about $200 cheaper! I called today and set up an appointment for the beginning of January. The lady I talked to was extremely helpful and answered all of my 20 questions I had for her. She also asked if I wanted to come by before my appt. and meet the doctor and see their new building. I though their new building was in Spanish Fork which is about 30 minutes away but come to find out they just moved to PROVO! Even better. I am sad to go somewhere else but after much consideration...and contraversy, I decided this was best for me. I also feel like working with an RE previously has educated me on things I like/dislike and things I expect so I will definitely be taking that with me.

Besides the fact that their office in Provo, I also found out that they do 3 ultrasounds per cycle. Once in the beginning of my cycle (day 3), once for a follie check (probably around day 12) and then another one before the IUI to make sure that I haven't surged on my own. I've heard of a lot of places doing this but I figured that was out of the norm. I wouldn't have wanted my old RE to do it because it cost $192.00 for each ultrasound I had but with this new place, since it is cheaper, I'm all for it. Plus, if they have to do more than 3 ultrasounds, it's the same price.

Another concern of mine is that I think my old RE might have been triggering me too soon. Not sure if it was because of weekends or what but after doing some research I questioned when they were triggering me and why so soon? Another thing I will bring up with my new RE.

In the meantime, I hope time flies! These next few months we'll be laying low and staying away from any meds, vitamins, etc. This way, when they do my bloodwork in January, everything should be out of my system and we'll get some accurate results. I'm scared that some not so good results I've had in the past are going to be even worse but all in all, I have to have faith that things will be good and that we'll have some great results (including a baby) in the end!

I think god must chose certain people to deal with infertility. I think I handle it "ok" but there are probably other women who wouldn't be able to deal with it at all. I have never been one to give up on something I want so badly, and I'm not about to start. There will be a pot of gold at the end of my rainbow!

Switching it up

So, as much as I didn't want to, I've decided to go back on my Metformin. I'm not even sure exactly why, other than I know my hormones are out of whack so maybe my insulin levels are out of whack too. It was last year, my very first month taking Metformin, that I actually got pregnant so here's to hoping I might have some luck again. Now, let me explain a little about Metformin. I take 1000mg of this crap every day. Basically, I'm supposed to watch what I eat, meaning, watch my carbs! Ya right, like this is an easy task for me. I drink about 2-32 oz. Coke's every day, I love bread and I like all my white potatoes, rices, etc.! It's been 4 days since I started it again and already I just want to guzzle a gigantic carbonated beverage that doesn't have the word "diet" on it. One benefit to this is I always lose weight on it. So far, in 4 days, I've lost 6 lbs. In the beginning for me, weight drops quickly, but once my body gets used to the Metformin and I can eat a little better without spending the evening on the throne it pretty much levels out.

I only have another 3 cycles (months, periods, call it what you will) of what I like to call a "break" before we can move onto other sources of getting pregnant. We are waiting for a new bank roll in our cafeteria plan so we can get things started again. We haven't decided what our next option will be but in my head I'm pretty sure we'll start with IUI's again. There's another drug out there that is similar to Clomid called Femara. It's supposed to give you less side effects than clomid does. I'll probably convince my doctor to try this, along with an IUI. If no go on that, we'll move onto doing injectable IUI's again. I'm just excited to get the ball rolling again, these waiting months are such a drag. I'm ready to be pregnant again!

P.S. As you can see from my last post, a beautiful BBT chart doesn't exactly mean... well, jack shit.

And this my friends is one beautiful BBT chart!

Now, what exactly does that mean? Well, in a perfect world, a nice looking BBT chart such as this would result in getting a BFP! My world, however, is not so perfect so I can only cross my fingers and hope for the best! I remember my very first round of clomid in November 2007. I was so sure I was pregnant because of my beautiful looking chart. Boy was I wrong. And at the time, who knew I'd still be sitting here... babyless.

I really thought I'd have more emotions when it got close to this time of year. This time last year I was being artificially inseminated (Aug 31st) followed by my very first + pregnancy test (Sept 14th) and then of course my roller coaster of blood tests and ultra sounds telling me I would miscarry, I wouldn't miscarry, baby is fine, baby is gone. I think I'm not as emotional because for one, I'm very hopeful and putting extreme faith in the fact that I will be a mother someday. And two, time. Time heals all. Thank god for that!

So, here I am today, trying to be as positive as ever and hoping and praying that god will give me another chance with a May baby! If I were to get pregnant this cylce, my due date would be one day after our last angel baby (May 25th.) It would also mean another gemini baby, which I always thought was really cool since I'm a gemini. I'm not testing like crazy like I've been doing every other cycle as I decided I would just wait this month out. So, in roughly 6 LONG days, I'll have an answer. Hopefully an answer completely out of the norm. Wish me luck.

It's Time!

So, after our last two failed IUI's Brad and I decided we would take a much needed "break". Naturally, "break" means something totally different to me than it does Brad. There was no way I could just NOT try. I'd heard a lot of things about Soy, that it acts sort of like clomid does and helps you ovulate. So, of course, I'm trying it. Last month I used it. I got a positive ovulation test on cycle day 16. I was in shock! I thought, OMG, I might actually ovulate without infertility meds. Unfortunately, my temp didn't stay up long enough to support ovulation but on cycle day 23 I had another temp rise, that stayed high for 14 days...I ovulated...I think! Here we are again, cycle day 16 and wouldn't you know?! Another positive ovulation test! I've added a few more vitamins and started trying to be a little more faithful on taking my prenatals. So, for this month, I took 200 mg of soy cycle days 4-8. For the record, I'm also taking 81mg of aspirin, 200 mg green tea, 2000 mg of evening primrose oil, 200 mg of B6 and of course, those yummy little gummy prenatal vitamins from Target. For some reason, I'm actually feeling quite optimistic this month.

Over the past few months I've had quite a few friends become pregnant. It's sort of a wierd feeling when you've been trying to have a baby for 3 years. In the past, it really never bothered me. Even now, I'm completely excited for those who are falling pregnant. I know a lot of people worry that I might be a little overly sensitive when it comes to this subject, and they are probably right but in the end I can only explain it as 'I'm so happy for them, I'm just terribly sad for me.' I just so badly want to be on of those people that can announce such wonderful news. I know Brad would be over the moon if we were to get pregnant again. I want it for him. I want it for us. Someday. Soon.

Happy Birthday!

So, today is the day our precious baby was due. I keep thinking of things that I'd like to do in rememberance of our little one. I'd like to be able to do something every year. Nothing dramatic, just something simple so he/she knows how much we love them. I kind of expected to be a mess today but I'm also trying to keep a positive attitude. I mainly just want to remember all of the wonderful things about being pregnant. I still think back as to how much sleep I lost while I was pregnant. For awhile, I couldn't figure out why and then it suddenly dawned on me... why would I want to sleep when my reality was so much better than any dream I could have ever dreamt? I loved the sore boobs and I loved the fact that I never had morning sickness. I loved going to the doctor to see the baby on the ultrasound pictures even though everytime I was a nervous wreck! I loved waking up at 4am to get my H1N1 shot because I was of the elite pregnant women who could get it. All of these things made me happy, and, I know I will find that happiness again! Even though I know I will be a mother to another baby, this will always be my first baby!!

I'm also trying to remain positive as we continue down this infertility path. Today I'm officially considering myself 16 days pregnant... ok, so maybe not, but again, I'm remaining positive this cycle. Brad is always telling me I need to be more positive so this time I will be positive!! It may be more of a let down, but I'm convinved this month will work! My IUI was on Friday. Things went fine but things were definitely different than our last IUI. Brad's sample post wash was 18 million and 50% motility. Last time was 55 million and 90% motility. This time, my doctor had the hardest time inserting the catheter. She ended up having to use a completely different size speculum and catheter than she did last time. Finally, she did get it through...Ouch! I try not to compare too much with the cycle I did get pregnant but I remember when he did my ICI that cycle, it was very painless. I've always thought maybe my cervix was completely open and ready to go and that's why. So, of course, on my IUI's I keep hoping they are going to be painless too. Last months was pretty painful, this time was a little less painful. I can only hope that the difference this time was for a good reason. If this cycle did work, our due date will be 2/11/2011. Pretty close to Valentine's day... that would be cool. Wish us luck!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANGEL BABY!!

Ugh!

Here I am, again, without good news. This is getting really old. I was REALLY hoping to get pregnant before the due date of our angel baby which is May 24th. At this point, that is impossible. However, it now may be possible that our next IUI will be on or around the 24th. Maybe this will bring us some good luck! We aren't really changing up too much this cycle other than adding a few more FSH injects. Last month I did three, resulting in two nice size follies and this month I'm doing 5. Hopefully that will give us 3 good follies. I'm also going out on a limb here and am going to try drinking white grapefruit juice. A bunch of ladies on my infertility web site swear it helps to increase their CM (cervical mucus). At this point, I'm ready to try just about anything. I had my baseline ultra sound on Monday, May 10th and everything looked fine. I have about 7 antral follicles this go around. I actually had "one maybe two" follicles on my right ovary which hasn't happened since I've had monitored cycles so maybe that is a good sign. I found out a few days ago an old childhood friend of mine is pregnant w/ triplets!! Yikes! I won't lie, I would love twins but three babies might freak me out a little. She's already in the hospital at 24 weeks and can't leave until she has these babies. I'm wishing her the very best!! My next ultra sound is May 18th and we'll know around then when we'll be having our next IUI. This will be our last shot at this for awhile. Brad thinks my body needs some time to relax and flush out all the meds I've been taking. That, and our fund coupons will be gone! I'm really hoping this is it. I can't tell you how happy I would be! It's our turn dangit!

And now we wait...

Last Wednesday, April 21st I had an ultra sound to check on my follicles. Since I had done injects this cycle I was really hoping for more than one follicle, and that is exactly what I got...two. Both follicles were on my left ovary and measured at 17mm and 19mm so my RE told me to trigger at 4:00 am Thursday morning and come in Friday for my IUI. Luckily, Brad has been getting off a little earlier so he was able to meet me there at 3pm and drop off his "boys". My IUI was scheduled for 4:00 pm. We did wait quite awhile but it was worth it when my RE finally walked in and gave us the results of Brad's post-wash semen analysis. 52-million swimmers with 90% motility. Woohoo! Brad still doesn't understand how so many are in such a little amount of "fluid". Anyway, things went great and the procedure wasn't too painful. It lasted only about 25 minutes. 15 minutes for the procedure and 10 minutes of laying there after she was done. I'm now 3 days past ovulation and am already going stir crazy waiting...hoping for some good news. I feel much more confident this cycle but I still don't want to get my hopes up for disappointment. We've decided if this round doesn't work we'll go on a break for a few months. I need this to be it!!

This weekend we're going with some friends to Richfield to go camping and golfing. I'm already cutting back on having many drinks and how much I smoke (which I shouldn't be doing at all but I have no motivation to quit!) Even though I won't be able to get too roudy I'm sure I'll still have a wonderful time. Anytime I get to go camping or do anything outdoors puts a smile on my face!

Well, that's it for now. I'm guessing next time I post I'll either have some really good news, or some not so good news. Cross your fingers!

No good new to report... yet!

So, now we wait! Another month with no baby news and moving on to next month. Last month things were a little "squirrly" with Brad not knowing if he was going to be out of town for work or not so we decided to try the old fashioned way. I did have an ultra sound on cycle day 15 that showed one large follicle at 23mm so they gave me an HCG injection which is supposed to rupture the follicle within 48 hours. It was nice to be trying something new but the side effect of the HCG was torture for me. Even to the point where I took a day off work because my head ache would not go away. Yuck!

My new RE wanted me to have my blood drawn today to see if we were pregnant. Of course, we aren't. Now we move onto our next course of action. This cycle we'll be trying an IUI with injectable meds. The RE is able to donate 4 free vials and I was fortunate enough to have a wonderful young gal on my fertility friend website donate some more to me. Because our insurance doesn't pay for any infertility these meds would normally cost us about $800, which, we don't have. We're already looking at around $1,000 for the IUI procedure alone. So, to have anything donated to us really is a blessing. We're crossing our fingers that this will be our month. I really, really wanted to at least be pregnant before we hit our first baby's due date which is May 24th. Hopefully, we can still make that happen!

Other than that, here we are! Doing what we do best... work and play! The weather has started to clear up so we've been able to golf on most of the weekends. We are getting antsy to de-winterize the trailer so we can start making our weekend camping trips to different golf courses.

Dad is in town now for Lydia's baptism which is this Saturday. He traveled all this way so he would be able to baptize her. I think Utah always gives him an "itch" to buy a new truck and this trip he did just that. It may have something to do with the fact that Casey also bought a new truck last week. (Dad trying to compete with son or what?!)

Hopefully next post will bring some better news!

And so forth, and so on...

Well, as usual, another "cycle" came and went without a getting some good news. BUT, that's ok, we'll get there again...eventually!

We've made an appointment with a new RE at Utah Infertility Clinic in Pleasant Grove. We decided we'd try our luck with a difference procedure, IUI. The cost is about $600 more than the ICI's we've been doing but if it increases our chances even 2% we are willing to give it a try. With the IUI, I will have ultra sounds to monitor much of the progress which I am looking forward to. They will probably put me on some other drugs as well but hey, as I've said, I'm willing to try anything! My first appointment is on Monday, March 15th and I'm pretty excited. Hopefully it will be a positive appointment and will give us a little more hope.

Other than flooding my thoughts with getting pregnant all the time, not much else is really going on. My dad is coming from South Dakota in 2 weeks and I'm looking forward to that. As for Brad and I, it's pretty much just the same old, same old. Brad did sell his Bronco (poor baby!) and old Ford truck and bought himself a little gas commuter. His new Ford is a gas hog so his choice of buying a little "beater" car is definitely a step in the right direction. Things had been getting pretty stressful for me at work but I think things are slowly starting to work themselves out. Brad is still working for Okland Construction and was hoping to go to work in Arizona (for golfing weather of course!) next week but a few guys complained about him going because he's one of the "newer" guys and they didn't think it was fair. Work politics I guess! Really, these other guys just need to step it up and work as hard and have a great finished product like Brad does and maybe they'd get invited to go out of town. Jealousy!!!

We also just celebrated the 4th anniversary of my mom's passing. Time surely does fly! I definitely have been thinking of her probably a little more often lately because I continue to think of how nice it would be if she were here to talk to when I get down or stressed out while trying to get pregnant. She usually did know how to make me feel better when I was sad. Either way, I am thankful for the beliefs that I have because if I didn't I probably wouldn't be talking to her every day and that is something that is very important to me!

Even if it's once a month, I'll still update... until then, be patient!

Time flies, even when you're not having fun!

Wow! It sure is crazy how things can turn around so quickly. Obviously I'm not so good at this blogging thing but figured I'd throw an update in here.

Unfortunately, the whole pregnant thing was a complete roller coaster ride! From almost terminating the pregnancy because the doc thought it was ectopic to an SCH and lots of bed rest, it was an emotional ride. Needless to say, at my final ultra sound appointment on October 26th (10 weeks 4 days) they couldn't find a heartbeat anymore. The baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks. Two days later, I had a D & C to remove everything.

It's now been almost 4 months and we have again started trying to have a baby again. It's fun to get a positive pregnancy test but it would be a lot more fun to actually bring a baby home after 9 months! On February 21st we went in to do another ICI. In about 2 weeks we'll know if we are lucky enough to have had this procedure work a 2nd time. I try not to get my hopes up because I've had enough disappointment in the last 4 months but I keep thinking it's going to work! Oh ya, and I'm trying not to be picky but I would't mind a 2 for 1 :) My test date is also on the 4 year anniversary of my mom's passing (March 9th) so I'm hoping she'll bring us some luck as well.

I believe 2010 is going to be "my year!" Whatever that brings, I don't know but I'm confident that Heavenly Father won't dish me out another year like 2009.

FINALLY! We're expecting...

Yes, believe it! After 2 years of trying to have a baby we finally did it! Well, with the assitance of a nice Dr. that is. On August 31st we decided to try our luck with artificial insemination. Much to our surprise on Monday, September 14th I decided to take a test. Whoa! A line! We decided to reassure ourselves by getting some bloodwork done the next morning. The line didn't lie! According to me, since we haven't had our first appointment yet, my due date should be somewhere around May 24th. I'd say I know exactly what my due date is since I know EXACTLY when I got pregnant but you never know what the doc will do. We have our first ultra sound on September 29th to see if we may be having more than one little baby. We can't wait!

Trying new things...

So, since everything else is starting to bore me a little bit I thought I'd give this whole "blog" thing a try. Now, I know I'm not nearly as creative as most people but hopefully I won't embarass myself. It may have been a little easier had I done this, say, about 4 years ago when Brad and I first started dating but we'll see if we can't backtrack a bit.